Love, Marriage, and Babies
by EvilFuzzy9
Summary: A fic that bashes Naruto pairings! It's all in good fun, if you don't like it, then I encourage you to flame me! Good old fashioned satire ahead! Rated 'T' for occasional strong language and minor sexual content.
1. NaruSasu

Love, Marriage, and Babies

_"A journey into the more... humorous, facets of pairings."_

Disclaimer: Do you _honestly_ believe that I own Naruto? ... I didn't think so.

Introduction:

Hello, and welcome to my idea of what could happen if any fan-pairings happened. Some fics might explore the positive sides of pairings, but I am going to rip into any possible relationship problems, and use them to entertain myself and the depraved masses. Now, prepare yourself for stupid jokes, possible character bashing, and things that would make almost any Naruto fan vomit in their sleep, yah, I dunno what that means either. (Shrugs)

Now, to kick off this story, and the inevitable flames from furious readers, I shall do:

NaruSasu: The Last Straw!

_Love_

Now First of all, if this were to happen the confession would be something like this...

Sasuke (Standing in the forest): Naruto! I love you!

Naruto (Standing in a meadow of flowers): Sasuke! I love you too!

Sasuke and Naruto (With their respective backdrops): Really? ... Yes, I do!

Sasuke and Naruto ran in slow motion to one another, and met in a massive hug, complete with crying and an ocean sunset, in a blatant ripoff of Gai and Lee, so blatant in fact, that one person points out that I merely ripped the footage from episode 22 and pasted Naruto and Sasuke's heads onto the bodies of Gai and Lee.

Sasuke: Oh Naruto!

Naruto: Oh Sasuke!

Sasuke: Naruto!

Naruto: Sasuke!

Itachi (Watching all this from behind a conveniently placed rose garden): Twitch. Twitch. _'Don't worry Itachi, I'm sure it's just a phase.'_

_Marriage_

Now it has been a whole two days since their cheesy love-fest, and Naruto and Sasuke have decided to get married.

Pastor: Sigh. _'Go to technical school, get a diploma, Mom said. I just had to become a scientology pastor. God, I hate my life.'_ Do you, Sasuke Uchiha, take Naruto Uzumaki, to be your lawfully wedded husband?

Sasuke: ... I do.

Pastor (Putting on a fake smile): _'Great.' _Now, do you, Naruto Uzumaki, take Sasuke Uchiha, to be your lawfully wedded husband?

Naruto: I do!

Pastor: Then, by the power vested in me, by the church of Tom Cruise, I pronounce you, _'A sin against all that is good and pure,'_ husband and husband. You may now kiss whoever the heck you want. _'Gawd, I need a drink... or a length of rope...'_

And Naruto and Sasuke proceeded to tear into each other in a display so ecchi that would cause any yaoi fan-girl to die of a nosebleed.

Itachi (Sweating and twitching):_ 'It's not that bad, I mean they can always get divorced... right?'_

_Babies_

About two months after the wedding, Naruto had brought Sasuke to the park. When they got there, Naruto pulled Sasuke aside to have a little _talk_. Now after their _talk_, Naruto was feeling penchant, and decided to ask Sasuke a question.

Naruto: Sasuke... we have been together for a while... and I've been thinking... I WANT KIDS!

Sasuke (Looking uncomfortable): Umm uh... that isn't really _possible_ for us...

Naruto (Confused): Why not? I've got the adoption forms right here.

Sasuke (Embarrassed): Uhhh... never mind...

Naruto: Okay!

Later, at the adoption agency...

Adoption person (Looking frustrated): Here is the boy.

They took one look at the adorable, red-headed chibi, and they were like 'KAWAII!'.

Naruto: We'll adopt him!

Adoption person: What would you like to name him?

Sasuke: Hmmmm... Aha! I will name him... Fred Uchiha!

Now, Itachi was watching from the shadows, and when he heard the name of 'Uchiha' given to a 'commoner', he snapped. He killed Sasuke and then took advantage of Naruto's shock by knocking him out. Itachi brought Naruto back to the Akatsuki, and they were able too extract Kyuubi, however Kyuubi was too strong, it destroyed Akatsuki, and then attacked Konoha, finishing what it had started.

Now, thus came the annihalation of Konoha, and the collapse of the world's economy. All because Naruto and Sasuke got hitched.

line

EF9: Yeah, you have probably figured out by now, that I despise yaoi.

Kyuubi: Yeah... they probably figured that out when they learned that you are the founder of the AYP. (Anti-Yaoi Patrol for you uneducated peons)

DEF666: If you are interested, we also oppose : Yuri, Incest, and Mary-Sues. If you wish to join, go to his profile and read for directions on how to join. (Gives nice-guy pose)

EF9: But most importantly, remember...

All: **R&R!-!-!**

TTFN!


	2. SasuSaku

Love, Marriage, and Babies

_"A journey into the more... humorous, facets of pairings."_

Disclaimer: Do you _honestly_ believe that I own Naruto? ... I didn't think so.

Introduction:

Hello, and welcome to my idea of what could happen if any fan-pairings happened. Some fics might explore the positive sides of pairings, but I am going to rip into any possible relationship problems, and use them to entertain myself and the depraved masses. Now, prepare yourself for stupid jokes, possible character bashing, and things that would make almost any Naruto fan vomit in their sleep, yah, I dunno what that means either. (Shrugs)

Let's get things moving!

SasuSaku: Where Did All The Character Developement Go?-!

Now this pairing is only slightly more plausible than the last one. Before the Sasuke's desertion this pairing was possible. But now, it is nearly impossible.

_Love_

Now, let us indulge in the crack bucket, and imagine that Sasuke and Sakura actually love each other.

Sasuke: Oh Sakura! I know that I said that I would kill you if you got in my way, and I and as far as I know, you are just as useless as you were when I left, but I love you!

Sakura (With sparkling eyes): Oh Sasuke! I love you too! But... (sniffle) you knocked me out, betrayed the village, and nearly killed Naruto when he tried to stop you!

Sasuke (With a rose in his mouth): Oh Sakura! I did all those things for _you_! I knocked you out so I would have time to plan our wedding, and I only attacked Naruto because he threatened to rape you!

Sakura: Gasp!

Sasuke: Indeed! It's true! Naruto didn't want us to get married, so he told me to call off the wedding or else he would impregnate you!

Sakura (With tears in her eyes): Oh Sasuke! I knew there had to be a reason! I always hated Naruto! It's you I love!

Sasuke (Dressed as prince charming): Come, Sakura, let us be married!

Sakura (Dressed as Cinderella): Of course!

_Marriage_

On a cotton candy cloud in a gumdrop castle, the wedding took place.

Kakashi (Dressed as the fairy godmother): Do you, prince char- I mean, Sasuke, take Cinde- I mean, Sakura, to be your eternal snuggle-muffin, to snog and to screw every fifteen minutes, until the end of time?

Sasuke (With sparkly eyes): Why, good golly-gosh, of course I do!

Kakashi (Turning to Sakura): And do you, Cinde- I mean, Sakura, take prince cha- I mean, Sasuke, to be your eternal snuggle-muffin, to snog and to screw every fifteen minutes, until the end of time?

Sakura (With sparkly eyes): Why, good golly-gosh, of course I do!

Kakashi (With an eye smile): Then, I now pronounce you bishie and bitc- I mean man and wife. _Hm... Maybe I should be more careful when I talk... Nah, those ungrateful brats aren't even paying attention to how I messed with the vows. ... But I wonder how Naruto is taking this..._

(Scene change to Naruto sitting in his room)

Naruto (In the fetal position): That ungrateful bitch! How dare she marry Sasuke! And after all the evidence that pointed to us getting together! (Sits up) That's it! (Narrows his eyes _evilly_) If I can't have Sakura, then nobody can have her! Bwahahahaha!

_Babies_

(Scene change to the Uchiha palace, seven months later)

Sasuke (In an ANBU uniform): (Opens the door) Honey! I'm home! How wa- What the Hell?-!

The living room is strewn with the bloodied corpses of dozens of Uchiha babies. And in the of the bloody scene is Sakura, her clothes torn and her skin sticky.

Sasuke: Sakura! No! Who could have this to you!

Sakura (Whispering weakly): It was... I... ta... (Shudders and then dies)

Sasuke: Itachi... (Sharingan activates) Uwaaah! You f-king bastard! This time you've gone too far! Come out and show yourself! I will ki- (Is crushed by a falling ceiling fan)

There is a puff of smoke, and Naruto appears.

Naruto: Hahaha! You bastard! You thought you could take Sakura from me? Face it! She and I are destined to be together! (Turns around and sees Sakura's dead body) Ah shit. Oh well. (Shrugs) That Hinata chick is still pretty hot... And so is Ino... And Tenten... (Smirks) In fact, I might as well just make all the women mine! Yes... as payment for taking my precious Sakura away, all the women in the world shall be made my concubines! Bwahahahaha!

But as Naruto prepares to leave, he looks at Sakura.

Naruto: Well, she may be dead, but her corpse should still be warm... (Crouches over Sakura's corpse, obscuring it from view) Huh? ... Ahhh!

Naruto falls backwards, unconscious. And two shadowy figures loom over him.

TBC 3


	3. NaruHina

**Love, Marriage, and Babies**

_"A journey into the more... _humorous_, facets of pairings."_

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, but I do own a novel that is in the brainstorming stages, and if that novel ever gets published, I'll write fanfiction for it just so I can say: "Ha! It's totally mine, bitches!" Also, I'm pretty sure that I made up the word bangable... maybe.

Introduction:

Hello, and welcome to my idea of what could happen if any fan-pairings happened. Some fics might explore the positive sides of pairings, but I am going to rip into any possible relationship problems, and use them to entertain myself and the depraved masses. Now, prepare yourself for stupid jokes, possible character bashing, and things that would make almost any Naruto fan vomit in their sleep.

Let's get ready to RUMBLE!

**NaruHina: OMG! It's _CANON?_**

This pairing has recently received a huge plausibility boost due to Hinata actually growing a pair of balls (or would that be ovaries, in this case?) and confessing her love to Naruto.

Yeah... This is gonna be tough, but I'll endure!

_Love_

Okay, since Hinata has confessed her love for Naruto, he would just have to reciprocate that sentiment.

Naruto (In sage-mode, ready to kick Pein's arse): Hinata! If I don't make it out of this alive, I just want you to know... I love you!

Hinata: ... (Is still unconscious)

Naruto (Seeing Hinata's unmoving body): Noo! Pein you bastard! You killed her! You killed my only chance at true love! (Goes nine-tails - in spite of the conversation he had _just had_ with the Fourth freakin' Hokage – and completely destroys Pein)

Hinata (Having regained consciousness just in time to see Naruto kill Pein): Naruto! You're okay! (Gets all shoujo-sparkly) Let's get married!

"Naruto" (Who is no longer Naruto, but rather is now Kyubi): **Hmm? Meh, sure. Why the Hell not? You look bangable enough.**

Hinata (Oblivious to the fact that "Naruto" is now a four-story tall demon fox): Yay!

_Marriage_

"Naruto" and Hinata are having an outdoor wedding, because "Naruto" is a big effing fox who couldn't possibly fit into any church in the elemental nations.

Konan (Who is acting as the pastor because the Church of Pein was the only religion willing to consent to such an abomination against God): Do you, "Naruto", take Hinata Hyuga to be your bitch, to abuse and screw and even eat as you see fit?

"Naruto" (Licking his chops and eyeing all the women in attendance, including Konan and Hinata, hungrily): **Damn right, I do! And you'll be next, you sexy li'l thang.**

Konan (Blushing at being called a 'sexy li'l thang'): And do you, Hinata, promise to become Naruto's bitch, and to submit to his will in every conceivable way, shape, and form?

Hinata (Dressed only in see-through lingerie at "Naruto's behest): Yes, of course!

Konan (Who was dressed in nothing at all, as part of Pein's requirements for all his angels): Then I now pronounce you master and slut, you may now hump each other silly.

_Babies_

Nine months later, Hinata was in the operating room with "Naruto" standing outside her window.

Hinata: _**AUGH!**_

The Nurse (Who is Shizune's ghost/soul/whatever): Aiee! Sweet mother of Mary! It's a litter of devils!

"Naruto" who is really Kyubi: **Bwahahahaha! Now nothing will stand in my way! I will destroy the world, or something!**

And the devil babies tore open Hinata's womb and poured forth, flying to the four corners of the earth, thereby plunging the world into a thousand years of darkness.

All because Naruto couldn't focus on his fight.

* * *

**Yeah, I figured I might as well update this. **

**TTFN and R&R!**


	4. NaruSaku

**Love, Marriage, and Babies**

_"A journey into the more... _humorous_, facets of pairings."_

Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto, would I really be writing this? … Yes, yes I would.

Introduction:

Hello, and welcome to my idea of what could happen if any fan-pairings happened. Some fics might explore the positive sides of pairings, but I am going to rip into any possible relationship problems, and use them to entertain myself and the depraved masses. Now, prepare yourself for stupid jokes, possible character bashing, and things that would make almost any Naruto fan vomit in their sleep.

Hey y'all, watch this!

**NaruSaku: Wait, What Did You Just Say...?**

Now, I'll admit that NaruSaku was my first Naruto OTP, but as fate dictates, I might as well strike while before the iron is completely cooled off.

_Love_

Now, since Sakura has (somewhat) recently confessed her (maybe real, maybe not) feelings for Naruto, we (meaning myself and the voices in my head) won't have to make up a scenario for the confession, and this makes me glad because I'm lazy like that.

Of course, if you read the manga, you know that Naruto doesn't buy it for one minute... but what if he had? Believed her, that is.

Sakura: Naruto... I love you.

Naruto (Astonished): R-really?-! You aren't just saying that so I'll give you permission to kill Sasuke (though why you would need _my_ permission in the first place is beyond me)?

Sakura (With shifty eyes and just a hint of befuddlement): Um...yes...?

Naruto: Awesome! Let's make out and completely forget about Sasuke, even though everything we've done over the past three years has been for the sole purpose of bringing him home!

Sakura: --Sweat-drops-- Sure, why not?

And so Naruto and Sakura collapsed into a pile of squirming flesh... Err... Yuck, that came out wrong in an oddly hilarious way.

_Marriage_

After all of five minutes spent "making out" in the nude in front of several of their friends (… and Sai), Naruto and Sakura decided to get hitched.

On top of Sasuke's still-very-much-warm body.

By _Danzō_, who was apparently an ordained minister.

Danzō (In a bored tone of voice, not even bothering with covering up the Sharingan he'd stolen from Shisui's grave): Do you, Naruto Uzumaki, take Sakura Haruno to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, yadda yadda yadda?

Naruto (With tears of joy in his eyes): Yes. Believe it!

Danzō (Looking like he could not care less, despite the fact that he had given an order for Naruto to stay in the village): And do you, Sakura Haruno, take Naruto Uzumaki to be your lawfully wedded husband, to love and to cherish, blah blah yakkity-yak?

Sakura (Looking more than a little tipsy): Sure! Why the -hic- heck not? -hiccup-

Danzō (Not even trying to pretend to care any more): Kiss, maggots! _Teehee! I love talking like a crazy Drill Sergeant!_ Ahem! --Clears throat-- Now get the fuck out of my sight before I have you all court-martialed.

At that, the assembled shinobi scattered faster than you could say 'bingo night'.

_Babies_

Eight months, twenty-nine days, twenty-three hours, and fifty-five minutes later, Naruto was nervously pacing to and fro in the maternity ward, fretting about every single conceivable thing.

Naruto (Fretting about every single conceivable thing): Gee whiz, I sure am worried about the well-being of my wife, which is why I'm out here pacing like an impotent oaf instead of standing at her side as she gives birth! I am a completely responsible and modern parent, believe it.

Sakura (Screaming in pain): DAMN YOU, NARUTO! WHY THE HELL DID YOU HAVE TO KNOCK ME UP?-! OH SWEET, MERCIFUL FUCKING _PAIN_, THE GODDAMN AGONY! WHY THE FUCK AREN'T YOU IN HERE WITH ME, YOU LILY-LIVERED BASTARD?-! FUCK!

Naruto (Still maintaining his cheerful facade): Yup! I sure am responsible.

Sakura (With even more anger): **GRAHHH! NARUTO UZUMAKI, YOU MOTHERFUCKING, COCK-SUCKING SONUVABITCH! WHY THE FUCK DID I LET HIM TALK ME OUT OF BEING PUT UNDER?-! I'M A GODDAMN MEDIC-NIN, I SHOULD HAVE KNOW BETTER THAN TO TRUST THIS HOMEOPATHIC BULLSHIT! '**_**PAINLESS BEAUTY OF A NATURAL BIRTH**_**', MY ASS! **--She pauses to release a number of pained, unearthly howls-- **GODDAMNIT! WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE, I AM GOING TO HUNT DOWN THAT WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT QUACK THAT SUGGESTED THIS, AND I WILL END HIM **_**SLOWLY**_** AND **_**PAINFULLY**_**. … AND AFTER HIM COMES YOU, NARUTO, YOU GODDAMN BASTARD!**

Naruto (Sweat-dropping): … I'm gonna go hide now.

After several more minutes of screaming and other unspeakable horrors, the baby was born. Naruto entered Sakura's hospital room, and he is greeted by his now-smiling wife.

Sakura (With a look of serenity now on her face): Come, Naruto... Look at our child. Isn't she beautiful? --Holds up the child for Naruto to see--

Naruto: Yeah, she looks just like you.

The baby punches Naruto in the face.

Naruto (Several teeth missing and his nose broken): Wow, she even hits like you, too. --Collapses--

* * *

… **Meh, the ending there was sort of weak, but I couldn't really think of any particularly good ending gags. -Shrugs- Oh well. **

**By the way, I'm working on a new fic, this time for _Hayate the Combat Butler_ (_Hayate no Gotoku_, for you japan-o-philes). I suppose you're wondering why I would want to start _another_ fic when I have so many other multi-chapter fics that I'm already working on, and I have to say that it is partly due to ADD (though technically, I have AD_H_D), but the main reason is the fact that, despite being a wonderfully hilarious and action-packed series, there are very few fanfics for it, a situation I intend to remedy.**

**TTFN and R&R!**


End file.
